...a lot more food for thought.

"I HAVE often wondered why the farthest position always feels so right to me; why extremes, though difficult and sometimes painful to maintain, are always more comfortable." --Audre Lorde from Zami: a new spelling of my name.

"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." --Anais Nin

Valediction...

"...how would you expect garbage to know what a diamond looks like?" --anonymous

Well I am fed up, I am sick and tired of waking up feeling like ish in the morning all because of the non-sense that consumes my mind regarding a certain individual. I sit around asking, "Why aren't things working in my favor? Does he hate/dislike me? How do I get him to see me for the person I am truly am? What has distorted his vision of me? Why do I love him? Why is it so hard to get him off my mind?" 22 at war!!!! Is what it feels like when I can't find the answers to any of these questions, but I know they are near.

For now they are just lost in the ocean of my own thoughts swimming farther and farther away from the land called "My Brain".
Because loving him seems pointless at the end of the day and because loving him seems to hurt more than it feels pleasurable. This is a documentation of my valediction to walk away from the love that I am currently feeling, although I will probably feel the same way in the morning. The first step towards my freedom is declaring it. Nothing has been more true than my feelings towards him and since I truly love him, even though he doesn't love me back, I understand that love conquers all and on the long journey towards a love that has failed me I have only gained a victory that has made me stronger and made me fresher, flyer, and wittier for the next best love that comes around.

Okay, so while watching random videos on youtube I stumbled upon this:




I watched this video a couple of times. I cried the first few times because this girl sounds like she may have stole the thoughts right out of my head or maybe even tapped into my brain for a few hours before she wrote this poem. She expresses my sentiments exactly in particular lines of this poem. Some lines illustrate the current situation that I have written about above, other lines illustrate interactions that I have had in the past.

While watching this video I realized one important thing, in the midst of the storm your vision is blurry, therefore you cannot see the face of the robber while he is stealing and committing a crime. It is not until afterwards that you realized that your money drawer has been wiped dry and you're left with nothing but an dry & ashy face caused by tears from all of the pain and turmoil that you endured. This video also helped me realized that a lost love does nothing more but help you find the courage to move on and seek other possibilities. It also helps you view an inner respect that you may not have seen before, thus making you even more beautiful than you were when you began your race with this person, that same beauty that had him, "calling you baby and holding your hand behind closed doors."

mai lamore. birds of paradise.

What do you think about these: like them? love them? ewww, bird on my foot?

results to my lover style test...

..don't usually take tests like this one, but it caught my attention & the results seem to be veryyyyyy accurate. enjoy.

Your result for The Lover Style Profile Test...

The Liberated Lover

59% partner focus, 52% aggressiveness, 60% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:



You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.



This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover.



The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if "in the market."



In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel 'overmatched' at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed.



Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover.



Congratulations!





Nerds, Geeks & Dorks




America/Politics





Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST

Take The Lover Style Profile Test at HelloQuizzy

J*Davey "Get Together"

This video is absolutely amazing, I think I've watched it over ten times. J*Davey is a wonderful performer, her energy is off the chain, she performs like she is in the mirror in her bedroom and no one is watching.

food for thought...

...guess what? I have decided that I am going to do daily or weekly posts on my blog spot starting today. Might just end up being weekly or every other day, seeing as though sometimes I get so busy I don't have the time to write, but wow! that's not good at all, feels like I can't function properly sometimes if I don't write, so yes, I will make time for my dearest love. I think my next post will have something to do with the standards & expectations of a true friend. It seems to be a topic that has come up often in recent conversations, so I guess I will have a lot to share on the topic. In the meantime, stay beautiful ladies & stay handsome fellas, I shall be back in a few brief moments. lol

"if you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it."

- anais nin, diarist/writer

Peace.

peace. love. pleasure. passion.

baby leshaud... (my nephew)

“ Children are always like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression. —Haim Ginott”

morning blues...

March 1, 2009. As of today I am three weeks behind in rent, have a disconnected phone, no cable, and a piece of chinese fried chicken and a bowl of rice pilaf in my fridge. Oh, "I'm sorry." How could I forget the half way full box of cream of wheat in the cabinet that tastes like slop unless there's actually sugar or fruit in it. I actually love it with raisins which I have none of, that nor the sugar. So for the past couple of days my stomach has been waging wars against me because I don't think she likes the idea of all of this, kicking and punching like she's sharing it with a fetus, sending messages to my mind that says she's had it and my mind agrees because he teamed up with the b**** and decided that he was going to raise even more hell and give me debilitating migraines.

p.s. on the flip side I have realized by having recent interactions with a great male friend of mine that it has become very easy for me to love men that I connect with positively, they could simply be friends and I will express my emotions, not being in love but loving their personalities, their spirits, and the fact that they care for me & allow themselves to share their deepest thoughts and secrets with me. It can be a weird thing, also risky, but I guess that shouldn't matter right? Love is Freedom. Freedom is Love.

why you should never doubt... (how I discovered Kanye West)

So, with me being the type of person that I am, I never want to "follow" the crowd. If the principal in high school would have told all of the students to wear red to celebrate aids awareness month, my black behind would have probably showed up in a bright pink dress & if anyone questioned the color of my apparel I would have simply stated, "I guess I felt like supporting breast cancer when I woke up this morning." lol.. No joke. Another thing that is different about me is the fact that I don't watch t.v. (for lots of reasons) & I also don't listen to the radio because I am not to fond of "commercial music".

Anyway, music is what brought me to writing this blog. The incredible Kanye West's music to be more specific. I was never really crazy about him or his music, not because I didn't think it' was cool, but because everyone else sweated it. I'm sure I've always had at least ten tracks of his in my itunes library but I would have never considered myself the "diehard" fan like most of my peers. Because everyone else was so amp'd over him I was like yeah,"he's aiight", & I really didn't give him a chance. That was until recently when his latest album came out, "808's & Heartbreaks". It was when this album came out that I said, "forget not wanting to follow the crowd, this "ish" is dope, & Kanye is a geniusss for creating music this good, simply stated, sincerely felt."

Anywho, what really made me come to this realization is not just the lyrics & the tight baselines, it was his "swagger" when he spits on each track, hold on let me correct myself, when he spits & sings on each track, & this negro ain't even a singer, not to mention he is on key & not tone deaf, I feeeel it when he sings & he aint Sisqo or nuttin. but I can dig it, (speaking of which, what ever happened to him?) Yeah but the album is crazy & some of the songs about heartbreak express very very similar situations to those I have recently experienced. So one day I was walking home listening to the album & I started going crazy, like, "Gosh, why have you been sleeping on this man for so long? It seems like he wrote these songs for you, each word to the "T" & after that it was history I am a official Kanye fan, soo I hope all you Kanye lovers out there I pray you accept me with open arms because I am hooked & I will never doubt another artist based on the "hype" or not wanting to "follow" the crowd.

Goodbye Summer

Everyone wants or has dreamt of having a fairy tale even though we know there are no fairy tales. Ever question if you truly felt the way about that particular person that you thought you did? The mind can be very delusional, so delusional in fact, to the point that one minute we can tell someone we love them and the next, within the blink of an eye we are able to jump down their throats in deep rage and anger. We dream of marriage when in reality once marriage begins losing passion seems inevitable, maybe people should just keep dating? The mind can be more powerful than we imagine, and in addition to the following the path of your heart, you give your feelings about this person lots of thought, space and opportunity, and may now wonder if you didn't give it as much thought and benefit of the doubt would the circumstances have turned out the same?

People change with the seasons, things grow old to them, and it's constantly out with the old and in with the new, like trash bags or undergarments. Seasons changed and you remained in stagnant waters waiting patiently like a indentured slave of love for this person, restricted by the depths of your own personal thought and imagination. The thought of him or her makes skies roar and you experience weightlessness, and the brightness behind your eyes seems more beautiful than the aurora borealis. With the departure of the summer also went the departure of the time you once filled this person's heart. While you envisioned your next encounter with one another he or she contemplated the next time he/she would see his or her new toy fresh off the shelf which they had found to be so amusing, exquisite, and charming, while they had thrown you down beside the once loved but sadly forgotten and neglected Lego's,Transformers action figures, or Beach House Barbie. To your surprise fall and winter had came and gone and you were still wearing your trendy sun shades that everyone complimented or your favorite straw sun hat, stuck in summer where your love has left you behind. When the leaves begin to change their attire from bright greens to warm oranges and yellows, make it in your best interest that you remember to bring out your gloves and scarf out the closet or you might be bound to catch cold. Love is a mental illness, and obsessive-compulsive disorder romanticized.

The only one who will speak warm passionate words and calm spirits into your life in seventy six degree perfect weather or frosty below zero temperature's is the one who has total climate control, and once you give Him total dependance each breath of fresh air in any weather will feel like sensory overload.